Love that lasts: Maintaining a long-term relationship

In today’s fast-paced world, relationships often feel like fleeting moments. For some, maintaining a partnership for 10 years can seem like an extraordinary feat. For others, it comes naturally. But any expert will tell you that a long-term relationship doesn’t come easy – nothing in life is free. It takes constant communication, conscious compromises, and continuous commitment. Because, while everything around us changes, love should always be consistent.

My partner and I are not far from our 10-year anniversary. We met in 2016, both at the threshold of adulthood – our entire worlds about to shift. Through stolen glances and hours-long conversations in the car, each en route to our own destination, we found love.

This is the foundation of our relationship: accompanying each other on our individual journeys through life. I am driven, relentlessly pursuing my ambitions and dreams, while he is grounded, with his feet firmly planted in reality. Although our differences are sometimes frustrating, they are the basis of our admiration for each other. We recognise and respect each other’s strengths, using them as a complementary force to thrive. Here’s how:

Individuality is the key to intimacy

While it may seem counterintuitive, the more each partner holds on to their own identity, the stronger their connection becomes. Clinical Psychologist Dr Harriet Lerner emphasises this point, explaining that when either partner sacrifices their sense of self for the sake of the relationship, it weakens the foundation upon which intimacy is built.

Love is not contingent on perfection or an idealised version of the other person. It’s an appreciation of the other’s true self, flaws and all. When both partners feel safe expressing their authentic selves, without fear of judgment or rejection, they create an environment where vulnerability is welcomed. This is where real intimacy is cultivated.

Water as needed

An essential part of individuality is each of our unique emotional needs. During the first 20 years of their life, most people have parents who nurture these needs (like watering a plant). After that, it is up to you to tend your own garden and choose who helps you – some people are better with succulents and others are better with ferns.

Each person thrives under different circumstances and with various forms of support. For instance, if one partner feels loved through words of affirmation, they may find inspiration in hearing compliments, encouragement, or expressions of gratitude. In contrast, a partner who thrives on quality time may find energy in sharing uninterrupted moments, engaging in meaningful conversation, or participating in activities that nurture their bond. Recognising these differences is key to sustaining a long-term relationship.

Dr. Gary Chapman, in his book The 5 Love Languages, explores this concept by identifying five distinct ways that people give and receive love.

Change is not a means to an end

It’s in our nature to evolve, and sometimes outgrow parts of ourselves or a relationship. It’s also natural to become fearful when you no longer recognise your partner. But growth doesn’t have to mean growing apart. It means always finding new ways to love each other. Dr. Harville Hendrix, co-author of Getting the Love You Want, argues that couples who approach love as an evolving, learning process are better able to navigate the inevitable challenges that arise in any relationship long-term.

True connection doesn’t come from conformity but from the freedom to change, together. This requires an open, ongoing dialogue, where both partners regularly check in with each other about their needs, desires, and goals.

Communicate openly and honestly

Open and honest communication is impossible if you can’t embrace each other’s individuality, emotional needs, and changes without judgment. In the nine years my partner and I have been together, we’ve faced numerous challenges – misunderstandings and disagreements are inevitable. To work through these, we’ve had to learn to effectively communicate.

This does not mean never saying anything wrong. It means that, when a disagreement or misunderstanding arises, you can listen, validate each others’ feelings, and be open to compromise.

Don’t forget to celebrate each other

It's easy to become caught up in the routines and responsibilities of life. In that rhythm, it's easy to overlook or take for granted the effort and dedication each partner invests in maintaining the relationship. We can get so bogged down in ourselves and being the main character, that we sometimes forget we are only an accomplice in someone else’s story.

Regularly acknowledging and celebrating each other’s contributions acts as a reminder of the value each partner brings to the relationship, and it encourages both individuals to keep investing in the connection.

This doesn’t have to be grand or ceremonial; it can be as simple as acknowledging the little things that your partner does – like thanking them for their support during a stressful time. It doesn’t have to be confined to special occasions or milestones (like birthdays or anniversaries), it should be an international effort, all the time.

By leveraging and celebrating each other’s strengths, we have created an unspoken understanding that our love thrives because we choose to nurture it. We know that love isn’t a fixed, stagnant thing but a living, evolving force that requires us to grow individually and together.