When did women's relationship with food become a battleground for their feelings?

Our relationship with food is complex and layered – like a cake. For women, this bond reflects our self-esteem, emotional state, and the societal expectations imposed on us, becoming a silent battleground for the mind, spirit and body. As a result, what is meant to nourish us, often ends up being our biggest insecurity.

But it wasn’t always this way…

Girls are not born hating their bodies, it’s something we are taught as we grow up. When we are little, like boys, we are encouraged to eat as much as we want and need. Once we become teenagers, however, society starts telling us we must watch what we eat because it impacts our weight, and that weight determines our worth. This toxic message becomes the foundation of a lifelong struggle with diets and diminished self-esteem.

A woman's relationship with food

Vices are part of life and unique for every one of us. They help us cope with stress and sadness, bringing us moments of joy and excitement to motivate us to keep going. While indulging can be an act of self-love, overindulgence can lead to regret. For example, a slice of cake or a glass of wine a day is OK, but an entire cake or a bottle of wine a day will make you feel worse. This creates a vicious cycle of self-punishment and dieting that can spiral into eating disorders, body dysmorphia, and a fractured sense of worth.

The challenge lies in balance – enjoying a treat without letting it become a source of emotional dependence or a measure of worth. For me, chocolate, pistachio gelato, naan katay, coffee, my mum’s Hungarian tart, tequila and wine are everyday staples. It’s my treat to myself, a way to love me.

Growing up, food was celebrated and cherished in my family. My parents taught us that food is a source of connection, not shame or fear. We cooked the most delicious, hearty meals together:

• Mondays were sugar bean curry.

• Tuesdays were Sunday’s roast or Biryani leftovers.

• Wednesdays were chicken or mutton curry.

• Thursdays were chutney with meat.

• Fridays were burgers and sausage rolls.

• Saturdays were freshly baked rolls with mayo, mustard, cold meats and lettuce.

• Sundays were roasts or Biryani for mains and a two-step combination of ice-cream, dessert cream, jelly or canned peaches for dessert.

Most Saturdays, my mum, sister and I would do facials and waxes while baking a milk tart, apple crumble, or something similar at home. My mother would also bake for the week ahead – from beer box cakes to snowballs, lamingtons and scones.

None of us were ever body-shamed. We were taught that anything in moderation is not harmful. We had three meals and two snacks a day, and each got a portion of the “junk food” (2 litre Clifton soda, a box of Twinkies, a bag of marshmallows, four slabs of chocolate and a big bag of gummies, cereal and yoghurts) that would have to last us the month.

A healthier relationship with food

Somewhere along the way, food – and by extension, our bodies – became a source of obsession and dissatisfaction. The question we need to ask ourselves is: Is it truly our bodies we are at war with, or is it our self-esteem?

Happiness and self-acceptance cannot come from the reflection in the mirror alone. It comes from within. From love (for ourselves and others) and the relationships we nurture. From our passions and the part we play in the universe.

We need to reclaim our relationship with food, starting with gratitude. These bodies have carried us through our good and bad days, – including every overindulgence, binge, diet and disorder – and continue to do so. When it complains with a headache or pain, we push on. When we gain a few extra kilos, we hate and complain. Stop and thank your bodies for their resilience and strength.

It begins with small acts of kindness toward ourselves, shifting our focus from how we look to how we feel, and identifying what truly brings us happiness. As women, we deserve to live free from the chains of societal expectations and self-criticism.