What is it all for? Interrogating the meaning of life

Lao Tzu once said: “If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present”. Many of us are held hostage by our trauma or triggers from the past and most of us hold onto childhood experiences, instead of living in the moments we have today.

But how do we just “be” when we have to plan our retirement, build legacies and do chores simultaneously? More importantly, how do we justify joy when there is death, grief and tragedy around us every day… We always wait for a life-changing event or postpone the fun until the next holiday… someday.

I woke up one morning, focused on getting my son to school, preparing to lead a three-day strategy session at Mount Grace, planning a Great Gatsby party for my 40th birthday, putting together itineraries for the holiday my son and I were about to go on… and I faint. But I am the definition of “rising after you fall, no matter how many times it takes”, so I get back up… and faint again… and again.

I was in the bathroom when I fainted the first time. I hit the shower wall as I went down. The second time I hit the toilet seat. I’m not sure whether it was the third or fourth fall against the toilet’s plumbing tap that ended up lacerating my skull. My head was warm, my neck and shoulders were in excruciating pain and my hair turned red with blood.

I crawl to my son, who is nine years old at the time, trying not to alarm him. I hoped I would stay awake long enough for his dad to come and for him to be safe – there was no way I was dying and leaving him there alone. However, in that moment (which would scare any adult), he didn’t panic or cry at the sight of the blood. He stayed calm, cool and collected, focused on solving the problem at hand. My heart filled with pride as I watched my little boy become a courageous young man.

I looked back at my life and asked myself, if I die today, am I happy with the life I have lived…and the answer was yes! I did all the things that were important to me: travelled the world, ate the best food, tried the best wines, danced, cried, was surrounded by family and friends, and (above all ) got to raise the most beautiful soul.

I was diagnosed with Bradycardia, low blood pressure and anaemia, and will have to wear a pacemaker one day. This makes life different…and I couldn’t help but think to myself; what is it that I’m living for?

The people I love

It’s for my son, and now two more amazing teenagers, my dogs, my family and friends. I have lived a full and happy life – leading and failing with love always. I want them to live lives just as full of adventure, mistakes, and successes. I want them to have unconditional and deep love like I have. Have I given them enough good memories so that they only ever shed tears of joy?

Professional passion

I dedicated my life to a profession I love and don’t regret a single day in the office. I have learned and grown through the roles I’ve held and through tough executive coaches and bosses. Now I make profit with the purpose to meaningfully impact the lives of people.

Adventure

It’s about seeing, living and experiencing what the world has to offer. Every minute is an adventure, including the wrong turns, the clumsy and the crazy.

I’ve travelled to exciting places, even when I had no money. I have sat by rivers, taken long walks on cobbled stoned roads, gotten lost (literally and metaphorically) and I always found myself, forgiven myself or found a new path.

Some of my roles took me into deep Africa, where I experienced new cultures, and came face-to-face with how ugly poverty and illiteracy can be. Yet, despite having nothing, the children were still smiling. So with everything, why can't we be grateful and present in, not the lives we want/wanted, but in the lives we have.

The person who loves me

And finally, after failed relationships, wrong choices, naive hopes and not being willing to settle for less than my version of perfect, it’s for the man God has guided through my door. He must have got lost on the way (he was still using paper maps and the road names had all changed) because it took him 44 years to find me.

I had spent a long time running from relationships, but the moment I felt his energy and met his eyes that restlessness was gone.

Now, I have everything I’ve ever hoped for. Whenever I find myself questioning the meaning of life, I think back to what it felt like when I was potentially taking my last breaths and try to remember the moments that made life worth it.

I leave you with this advice: Live immediately. These two very simple words hold the meaning of life. Find what living looks like to you and go after it today.