Love just is ...

As the month of February closed and a new season has sprung, I am left reflecting on love, particularly the everyday kind – that just is. Mother Nature introduced us to love through puberty -  when we were young and free, blank canvases discovering ourselves and the feelings of attraction; when hormones occupied (probably) our hearts, minds and bodies; when the littlest daily things, i.e. cute notes, small chocolate bars, a single red rose, a text message, or words such as ‘I like you’, or ‘I miss you’, or ‘sweet dreams’, brought the most joy! 

My favourite sonnet, which I can recite almost 90% by heart, is Sonnet 116 by Shakespeare: 

Let me not to the marriage of true minds Admit impediments; love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove. O no, it is an ever-fixèd mark That looks on tempests and is never shaken; It is the star to every wand'ring bark Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken. Love's not time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks Within his bending sickle's compass come. Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, But bears it out even to the edge of doom: If this be error and upon me proved, I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

We learn this poem in Grade 8, as an introduction to Shakespeare and his work. I fell in love with this wise old man and how his stories made the human psyche and unconscious behaviours tangible. 

Only 13 years old at the time, this was our first look at what relationships would require… Love, he seemed to say, is not about change, possession, or fleeting attraction. It is unconditional – the little things.

And yet, as we grow, we complicate it. We walk around wanting unconditional love, but with a bag full of expectations of our own. Who is willing to sacrifice their freedom and will that sacrifice pay back its good will, or end up in a power struggle? They become negotiations, endless lists of “you vs me” – wants, needs, decisions and dreams – instead of “we”. Do we want companionship or control?

Time is my language of love, and prioritising a relationship is a sunk cost! However, I had to realise in my own life that this is not always a bad thing, as it led me away from commitment. I value my independence and freedom (my go-with-the-flow-dandelion-self), I was afraid that I would be held hostage by someone else. 

So what does it take to really find and make love work?

I honestly do not know, I would prefer to think that every person has this conversation with their partners. I have been in a relationship, not dating and yes there is a difference, for the last two years, and it is hard work – but with an equal amount of reasons that make it rewarding. 

In your forties (sceptical of love, definitely less trusting, and afraid of heartbreak), the responsibilities of love and maintaining a relationship is a choice. It's intentional, understanding first and foremost what you want the rest of your life to look like. Because the years ahead get shorter and the time you invest becomes a non-refundable commodity. In turn, peace and maturity become more valuable than butterflies and materialities. 

In a world full of chaos, my soul wants to rest in safety and warmth. For me, that’s the all-encompassing embrace of love. But I’ve come to understand that love is a partnership of choice – a consolidation of each individual’s past, present and tomorrow. Only once you’re able to lay down your conditions will you be able to dance calmly in the cobblestone streets of companionship.